Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Pseudo-Post: It's Just Like a Real Post, Only Lamer

     It recently came to my attention that a great calamity had darkened the normal jolly brightness of my travels through that marvelous world called The Internet.
     “My blog readership!” I gasped. “It’s down! By a lot! By far too much! Alas! Woe! A pox on the day!” And I continued in this vein until I ran out of synonyms for “oh no,” at which point I considered repeating myself but decided instead to change the direction of my lamentations.
     “Why?” I wailed, aggrieved and now earnestly seeking an answer instead of moaning pointlessly. “What have I done to deserve this? I try so hard…”
     But then the light came on! Why, indeed, had my public (those highly discerning and tasteful members of the intelligentsia who frequently give proof of their stunning brilliance by perusing this publication), deserted me so heartlessly? It was because I hadn’t written anything for them! One can’t expect one’s readers to do all the work, can one? It wasn’t wholly my fault, you understand. Art can’t be forced. For —it must be two weeks by now!— I’ve been marooned on that hideous and dreadful island which causes all us authors to quake in our figurative boots… Writers’ Block. I am simply stuck. Here I stand on stage in front of an auditorium filled with breathless ladies and gentlemen who wait on the edge of their seats for me to whisk a white rabbit out of my hat. But alas! they wait in vain. Can it be any wonder that they begin to file quietly out of the room?
     My dear readers, I hereby offer you the handsomest apology I can muster. My behavior has been unacceptable. Two weeks and not a word from me to you! You must be suffering terribly, poor souls.
     … Of course, this isn’t to say that I actually have anything to offer in the way of posts. I just kind of wanted to throw you a bone so you wouldn’t wander too far. Putting it another way, I’m drawing a hamster from my top hat and hoping you don’t know the difference. You’re welcome. But rest assured! I have not died, lapsed into a coma, or fallen victim of amnesia and begun to wander foreign streets without even a recollection of your existence. I will give you another post someday. But until then, perhaps you will be content with this charming white hamster.



Ohh, it’s a pseudo-post,
It’s a pseudo-post,
And I wrote it just for you!
It’s a pseudo-post
It’s a pseudo-post,
‘Cause I’d nothing better to do!

Oh, I wondered what had happened
Then I weepingly divined
What happens when I do not write
For two weeks at a time

For no one wants to read a blog
With no new posts to show
But ah, alas! I couldn’t write;
My mind was far too slow

Ohh, it’s a pseudo-post
It’s a pseudo-post,
And I wrote it just for you!
It’s a pseudo-post,
It’s a pseudo-post,
‘Cause I’d nothing better to do!

So then one day I just sat down
And forced myself to write
And came up with this pseudo-post
(Though, frankly, it's a fright)

Nothing to communicate
Naught valuable to say
No deep, profound or weighty thing
Do I have to convey

Ohh, it’s a pseudo-post
It’s a pseudo-post,
And I wrote it just for you!
It’s a pseudo-post,
It’s a pseudo-post,
‘Cause I’d nothing better to do!

One day, my faithful readers,
I’ll take in hand my pen.
I promise you there’ll be new things
To grace this blog again

But until that distant future
This is all I have for you:
A poorly written song to sing,
A picture that I drew!

Ohh, it’s a pseudo-post
It’s a pseudo-post,
And I wrote it just for you!
It’s a pseudo-post,
It’s a pseudo-post,
‘Cause I’d nothing better to do!

One more time!!!

Ooooooohhhhhh,
It’s a pseudo-post
It’s a pseudo-post,
And I wrote it just for you!
It’s a pseudo-post,
It’s a pseudo-post,
‘Cause I’d nothing better to do!




1 comment:

  1. Apology accepted! Though quite unnecessary. :) When you do post, it's all genius. So. It's all good.

    And I found your hamster-toting magician-et to be utterfly charming.

    Miss you. <3

    ReplyDelete

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