Thursday, April 19, 2012

What He Must Be

     In the interest of hilarity, I’ve decided to go all patriarchal on you guys. By which I mean I have created a List. And Lists, as you are doubtless aware, are sacred. This List is doubly sacred, because I have titled it What He Must Be: Seven Qualities Every Godly Man Must Possess.

     *Note: All that is said here is done purely in the spirit of jest, and is not meant to be taken seriously. Unless you’re insane of have no sense of humor, in which case feel free to go off on me.

     And now, without further ceremony, I present

What He Must Be

Seven Qualities Every Godly Man Must Possess

1. The Godly Man Must Be Tall and Handsome

May every man follow his example.

     And he had a choice and handsome son whose name was Saul. There was not a more handsome person than he among the children of Israel. From his shoulders upward he was taller than any of the people. And Samuel said to all the people, “Do you see him who the Lord has chosen?” — 1 Samuel 9:2 & 10: 24

     There were giants on the Earth in those days… the sons of God. Those were the mighty men who were of old. — Genesis 6:4

     Behold, you are handsome my beloved! — Song of Solomon 1: 16

     Saul was specifically chosen, hand-picked, by God, to lead His precious people. The account of the rest of his life makes it clear that this was not due to his intelligence, sanity, or faithfulness, and we can only conclude that looks and height are prized qualities in the Lord’s eyes. His own sons who walked the earth were described as giants. And the famous Beloved was pleasing to look at.

     Men, are you doing all that is in your power to achieve these things? Are you trying with all your heart, soul, mind and strength to please the Lord in these ways? Tallness is within your reach (perhaps) with excellent posture. Handsomeness is easily achieved by being born with regular, symmetrical features. In the interest of Christian liberty, we do allow for large noses

or funny mouths.

      But if the Lord has blessed you with the trial of unfortunate genetics, the effect can be easily simulated by wearing dark pants with a horizontally-striped shirt and a vest. Remember, if you don’t feel it, the next best thing is to fake it!

This is what "Your will be done" means!

2. The Godly Man Must Have a Deep Bass Voice

Sing praises to His name… it is pleasant. — Psalm 135:3

I cried out to God with my voice, and He gave ear to me.— Psalm 77:1

My voice you shall hear in the morning, O Lord. — Psalm 5:3

     God loves music. He loves to hear us talk to him. But are you going to ask that the Lord endure your nasally squeak? This is folly, brothers! He sacrificed so much for you; are you going to keep this one thing from Him? A deep bass voice is universally associated with masculinity, and we all know how the Lord just loves Him some rigid gender roles!

     But again, there is room for Christian liberty here. We will not exclude tenors from the fold; rather, we welcome them as the less-fortunate brothers. But it is still imperative that their voices be pleasant to the ears. If it were not so, would God have written half the Psalms about singing?


3. The Godly Man Must Have Vast Muscles

Elisha… was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen. — 1 Kings 19: 19

So the woman bore a son and called his name Samson…and the Lord blessed him. … Samson… took hold of the doors of the gate of the city and the two gateposts, pulled them up, bar and all, put them on his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill. — Judges 16: 3

For You have armed me with strength for the battle. — 2 Samuel 22:40

     Strength is a universal theme throughout the Bible. Samson was one of the few men consecrated fully to God from birth, and his strength was legendary! Elijah, another of God’s chosen prophets, also was renowned to be a large man, full of strength. Clearly, this is a quality that is very important to the Lord. His beloved are identified by the strength He gives them.
Oh, yes. The Lord is good to us.

     Are you his beloved? Do you have muscles to show for it? Men, if you are not submitting to God’s will in possessing biceps like Matt Damon’s, you must spend time in prayerful repentance and beseech the Lord to forgive your weakness.

4. The Godly Man Must Rock a Beard

You shall not… disfigure the edges of your beard. — Leviticus 19: 27

It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard. — Psalm 133: 2

In the same day the Lord will shave with a hired razor the head of the hair of the legs, and will also remove the beard. — Isaiah 7:20

     Countless of God’s chosen were the proud possessors of beautiful beards!

Oh, Liev. You're such an inspiration.

     In fact, the distinguishing characteristic was to not have one! David, a man after God’s own heart, wore a beard. The Law also commands that you keep your beard trimmed and groomed attractively. In fact, having one's beard shaved was a disgrace!

     Now, we serve a forgiving God, so there is obviously some leeway here. But not too much leeway! Brothers, if your job or some unfortunate aspect of your genetic makeup prevents you from growing a rich, luscious face-forest, you must at least display a healthy amount of stubble, if only to show the world that you are set apart to God, and at least trying to obey His commands!

5. The Godly Man Must Be Skilled in Undercover Operations

I have become all things to all men. — 1 Corinthians 9:22

So [David] changed his behavior before them, pretended madness in their hands, scratched on the doors of the gate, and let saliva fall down on his beard. — 1 Samuel 21: 13

     Paul and David. Our Biblical icons. Were any men so loved by God as these? The apostle John, maybe. But still, the fact that both David and Paul were obviously excellent actors and used this skill frequently should give us pause. If you were called upon to assume a different identity or to infiltrate the local drug cartel, would you be able to do it?

     If the answer is no, you must spend time in prayerful repentance and fasting for your sinful rebellion. Remember, you only think you know what your calling is! The Bible will show you that you are really meant for something entirely different — with the help of the church authorities, of course!


6. The Godly Man Must Have The Ability to Kick Butt

The women sang as they danced, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” The Lord has sought for himself a man after His own heart. — 1 Samuel 18:7 & 1 Samuel 13:14

A wise man scales the city of the mighty and brings down the trusted stronghold. — Proverbs 21:22

He found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, reached out his hand and took it, and killed a thousand men with it. — Judges 15: 15

This is just like a donkey's jawbone, only more recyclable.

     War is a recurring theme throughout the Psalms— indeed, throughout the entire Old Testament — and can successful war-mongering be achieved by a man who cannot or will not kick a few butts when the need arises? No. It cannot. Triumph in war— in other words, excellent combat skills — was another trademark of God’s beloved. It was a seal He placed upon His chosen. In fact, David, the only man ever described as one after God’s own heart, was a warrior by trade! Obviously the Lord prizes combat skills very highly. Are willing to use yours in His service?

Can I get an amen?

     Men, are you making good use of your God-given gift of butt-kicking? Are you honing and enhancing it as you are able? Brothers, it is folly for you to assume that, just because you will probably never be called to punch somebody out, you don’t need to cultivate that ability! Remember, it’s because you love Him!

7. The Godly Man Must Speak at Least Five Languages

For they heard them speak in tongues and magnify God. — Acts 10: 46

I thank my God I speak with tongues. — 1 Corinthians 14: 18

Question: What was the first sign that the Holy Spirit had come upon the people at last?
Answer: They spoke in tongues!

     Contrary to popular belief, all men have the gift of tongues. We can all learn another language or two if we work hard enough. Will you let your sinful laziness and selfishness get in the way of fulfilling God’s purpose for you and exercising this gift? No! You must lay it all on the alter for Him, and if that means devoting a large chunk of your life to learning Mandarin Chinese, is that really too much to ask? Speaking in tongues is one of the highest ways to embrace your identity as a believer! And the more languages, the godlier you are!


     Remember, now, brothers, if you don’t conform to the standards laid out by the holy dictates of Scripture, you’re in danger of hellfire and eternal damnation!

     Wait a minute…

     This is all starting to remind me of…

Bam! Detective Robert Goren! Oh, all glory be to heaven, this man is fabulous.

     Oh my goodness! What are the odds that the godly man would actually turn out to be exactly who I wanted him to be before I even started the list? Crazy, right?

     So remember, brothers! If you're not just like Robert Goren all the time, your soul is on the line! Have a nice, God-fearing day!


  1. I'm headed to hell in a handbasket. I've only got like 3 and 1/2 of those.

  2. Andrea my dearest bestest, posts like these make me so so so proud to be your father. I love you. You really know how to put things. I'm so glad you got your Moms brains.

  3. Andrea,
    I love your post. Great fun.
    You don't know me but I was a friend of your mom's in college.
    Ask her if she remembers Helen Hiney and give her a big hug from me.
    Keep writing the good stuff.
    Lisa Erickson Wyrick

    1. She finally got on Facebook because of this comment!

  4. Runs away to learn three languages and have his voicebox surgically enhanced...

    Hilarious post. Only I had to hear Voddie Bauchum's voice the whole time, which isn't as hilarious.

  5. Actually, this is a terrible article...No pictures of Christian Bale or Hugh Jackman???

    1. Believe me, the decisions of which pictures to include and exclude was a bitter, tearful excercise, and at the same time great fun (in a guilty, mildly creepy sort of way) It was a choice between putting Christian Bale's Batman or Jack Bauer into the combat skills section, and my obsession (which some people have called "unhealthy" for some reason unknown to me) with my beloved Jack won out. Unfortunately, Hugh Jackman's rippling Wolverine muscles lost out to Russell Crowe as Robin Hood. But rest assured, brother, they both still rank very high on the Godliness Scale.

  6. Bwhahahahaha! Thanks Andrea, this really made me laugh and will probably keep me smiling all day!! :)


  7. I've never stumbled on a small blog that talks about the things you do. Bravo! I'm perfectly sick of patriarchal girl blogs, so yours is like a breath of fresh air. =)

  8. Andrea, I'm crying with laughter again and "lol"-ing which you know for me is a quiet, series of chortles. You are the highest order of skilled among the skilled. Love you.

  9. This is..... RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY! Over-the top, way out there, but I guess I kinda like it. Only, I still think it could be punchier:) The patriarchs are rolling in their graves.


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