You may have noticed that I write rarely on the subjects of marriage, dating, or courtship. This is because I have never been involved in any of these, and nor do I have the interest to research them. I am ignorant, therefore, and prefer to keep silent. However, I do know one thing very well; the state of being single.
I think I’ll stay single forever and ever. I have no plans to marry. I fear it and am not willing to take the chance of picking the wrong guy. It’s cowardly, I know, but since when have I been brave? I don’t want to bring any children into this world when so many are already unwanted. I do, however, plan to rock the socks off of Life, and I plan to do it alone.
And do you know something?
That idea makes me happy.
It’s not that I think of marriage as a prison or anything. It sounds wonderful. But I kind of just want to drift, you know? I want to travel, I want to write, I want to go into law enforcement. I want to come home late without anybody worrying about me. I want to keep a small apartment, just me and my Rottweiler. I want to eat soup every night and watch stupid action movies and laugh in all the wrong places.
When I picture myself in ten years, I’m always alone. I’m in a police officer’s uniform, and my hair is falling out of a ponytail, and I’m sitting on a sofa in a little apartment. It’s just me. Maybe I’m on the phone with my sister, or sometimes I’m having coffee with a friend, but I’m always standing on my own two feet. I don’t have a husband. I don’t even have a boyfriend.
Maybe it’s just because it’s harder when people care about you. Your actions always affect somebody else, and when you mess up, which I seem to do fairly often, it’s no fun. And what if I did end up going into law enforcement and—
god forbid —
dying in the line of duty? I don’t want to leave anyone behind. Well, I mean, there’s my family. But there’s a certain level of detachment when you grow up. It’s not that we love each other less. But you’re lost, in a way. You’re already disconnected.
Maybe it’s because I just want to help people. I want to be a foster mom. I want to run a home to help prostitutes get back on their feet and into society. I want to be a cop. I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. I want, I want, I want… I want to devote my life to my work. I want my legacy to be, “that woman who stood up for us.” The woman who saved lives.
I used to think that singleness was just a “stage” for girls. It was a placeholder until you got married and really started your life. You had to make sure everything was temporary, ready to drop if Daddy decided you were ready to enter into the state of holy matrimony. You couldn’t really chase your passion, because you were only single for a short time.
But why not?
Why can we not be alone?
I guess most people do kind of plan to get married, but why is it wrong to do the opposite? And I realize that marriage doesn't always mean sacrificing your dreams, but I feel like it does for me. I may be wrong. I don't know.
I can’t believe that God designed me to be a keeper at home if everything I am longs to be different.
Chasing your dreams?
I used to think that was a fool’s wish. But if your dream is to help, to be a beacon… what does it profit anyone if you abandon it?
I’m not a godly little girl anymore, I guess. I don’t want what I’m supposed to want. I can’t see myself with a husband and twelve kids. I just can’t.
But you know how I do see myself?