In the interest of hilarity, I’ve decided to go all patriarchal on you guys. By which I mean I have created a List. And Lists, as you are doubtless aware, are sacred. This List is doubly sacred, because I have titled it What He Must Be: Seven Qualities Every Godly Man Must Possess.
*Note: All that is said here is done purely in the spirit of jest, and is not meant to be taken seriously. Unless you’re insane of have no sense of humor, in which case feel free to go off on me.
And now, without further ceremony, I present
What He Must Be
Seven Qualities Every Godly Man Must Possess
1. The Godly Man Must Be Tall and Handsome
May every man follow his example.
There were giants on the Earth in those days… the sons of God. Those were the mighty men who were of old. — Genesis 6:4
Behold, you are handsome my beloved! — Song of Solomon 1: 16
Saul was specifically chosen, hand-picked, by God, to lead His precious people. The account of the rest of his life makes it clear that this was not due to his intelligence, sanity, or faithfulness, and we can only conclude that looks and height are prized qualities in the Lord’s eyes. His own sons who walked the earth were described as giants. And the famous Beloved was pleasing to look at.
Men, are you doing all that is in your power to achieve these things? Are you trying with all your heart, soul, mind and strength to please the Lord in these ways? Tallness is within your reach (perhaps) with excellent posture. Handsomeness is easily achieved by being born with regular, symmetrical features. In the interest of Christian liberty, we do allow for large noses
or funny mouths.
But if the Lord has blessed you with the trial of unfortunate genetics, the effect can be easily simulated by wearing dark pants with a horizontally-striped shirt and a vest. Remember, if you don’t feel it, the next best thing is to fake it!
This is what "Your will be done" means!
Sing praises to His name… it is pleasant. — Psalm 135:3
I cried out to God with my voice, and He gave ear to me.— Psalm 77:1
My voice you shall hear in the morning, O Lord. — Psalm 5:3
God loves music. He loves to hear us talk to him. But are you going to ask that the Lord endure your nasally squeak? This is folly, brothers! He sacrificed so much for you; are you going to keep this one thing from Him? A deep bass voice is universally associated with masculinity, and we all know how the Lord just loves Him some rigid gender roles!
But again, there is room for Christian liberty here. We will not exclude tenors from the fold; rather, we welcome them as the less-fortunate brothers. But it is still imperative that their voices be pleasant to the ears. If it were not so, would God have written half the Psalms about singing?
3. The Godly Man Must Have Vast Muscles
Elisha… was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen. — 1 Kings 19: 19
So the woman bore a son and called his name Samson…and the Lord blessed him. … Samson… took hold of the doors of the gate of the city and the two gateposts, pulled them up, bar and all, put them on his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill. — Judges 16: 3
For You have armed me with strength for the battle. — 2 Samuel 22:40
Strength is a universal theme throughout the Bible. Samson was one of the few men consecrated fully to God from birth, and his strength was legendary! Elijah, another of God’s chosen prophets, also was renowned to be a large man, full of strength. Clearly, this is a quality that is very important to the Lord. His beloved are identified by the strength He gives them.
Oh, yes. The Lord is good to us.
Are you his beloved? Do you have muscles to show for it? Men, if you are not submitting to God’s will in possessing biceps like Matt Damon’s, you must spend time in prayerful repentance and beseech the Lord to forgive your weakness.
4. The Godly Man Must Rock a Beard
You shall not… disfigure the edges of your beard. — Leviticus 19: 27
It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard. — Psalm 133: 2
In the same day the Lord will shave with a hired razor the head of the hair of the legs, and will also remove the beard. — Isaiah 7:20
Countless of God’s chosen were the proud possessors of beautiful beards!
Oh, Liev. You're such an inspiration.
Now, we serve a forgiving God, so there is obviously some leeway here. But not too much leeway! Brothers, if your job or some unfortunate aspect of your genetic makeup prevents you from growing a rich, luscious face-forest, you must at least display a healthy amount of stubble, if only to show the world that you are set apart to God, and at least trying to obey His commands!
5. The Godly Man Must Be Skilled in Undercover Operations
I have become all things to all men. — 1 Corinthians 9:22
So [David] changed his behavior before them, pretended madness in their hands, scratched on the doors of the gate, and let saliva fall down on his beard. — 1 Samuel 21: 13
Paul and David. Our Biblical icons. Were any men so loved by God as these? The apostle John, maybe. But still, the fact that both David and Paul were obviously excellent actors and used this skill frequently should give us pause. If you were called upon to assume a different identity or to infiltrate the local drug cartel, would you be able to do it?
If the answer is no, you must spend time in prayerful repentance and fasting for your sinful rebellion. Remember, you only think you know what your calling is! The Bible will show you that you are really meant for something entirely different — with the help of the church authorities, of course!
6. The Godly Man Must Have The Ability to Kick Butt
The women sang as they danced, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” The Lord has sought for himself a man after His own heart. — 1 Samuel 18:7 & 1 Samuel 13:14
A wise man scales the city of the mighty and brings down the trusted stronghold. — Proverbs 21:22
He found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, reached out his hand and took it, and killed a thousand men with it. — Judges 15: 15
This is just like a donkey's jawbone, only more recyclable.
Can I get an amen?
7. The Godly Man Must Speak at Least Five Languages
For they heard them speak in tongues and magnify God. — Acts 10: 46
I thank my God I speak with tongues. — 1 Corinthians 14: 18
Question: What was the first sign that the Holy Spirit had come upon the people at last?
Answer: They spoke in tongues!
Contrary to popular belief, all men have the gift of tongues. We can all learn another language or two if we work hard enough. Will you let your sinful laziness and selfishness get in the way of fulfilling God’s purpose for you and exercising this gift? No! You must lay it all on the alter for Him, and if that means devoting a large chunk of your life to learning Mandarin Chinese, is that really too much to ask? Speaking in tongues is one of the highest ways to embrace your identity as a believer! And the more languages, the godlier you are!
Remember, now, brothers, if you don’t conform to the standards laid out by the holy dictates of Scripture, you’re in danger of hellfire and eternal damnation!
Wait a minute…
This is all starting to remind me of…
Bam! Detective Robert Goren! Oh, all glory be to heaven, this man is fabulous.
Oh my goodness! What are the odds that the godly man would actually turn out to be exactly who I wanted him to be before I even started the list? Crazy, right?
So remember, brothers! If you're not just like Robert Goren all the time, your soul is on the line! Have a nice, God-fearing day!